Perfection
by Anne Oying
Summary: Jerry has reluctantly fallen for Osgood but his future mother-in-law will only allow her son to marry Daphne! Meanwhile Joe plans to bring an unexpected friend as his plus one.
1. You Look Perfect!

**Disclaimer: My limited awesomness will never come close to rival the immensely awesome Billy Wilder and Izzy Diamond who conceived this baby together, and the various producers, crew members and actors etc who helped deliver it**

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><p><strong>Everybody's Perfect <strong>

"You nervous?" Joe adjusted his bow tie until it was perfectly perpendicular to his collar. He had snuck into the bridal chambers to wish his best friend good luck, it was her wedding day after all. All the girl's in Sweet Sue's band had were rushing around squawking and cooing like birds as they preened and posed.

"Just a little," the bride replied. Daphne checked herself in the mirror, "If only my mother could see me now," she said tearfully.

"Oh Daphne, you're beautiful!" Sugar exclaimed and gave her a hug. The other girls crowded round; drawn by the sight of a bride-to-be in need of a group hug/pep talk.

"You look absolutely divine!"

"He won't be able to keep his hands of you!"

"Imagine! Marrying a millionaire! Swoon!"

"You're so lucky!"

Joe smirked at the absurdity of the situation. Daphne's fiancé Osgood was fully aware that underneath the lace, silk and padding lurked something very unlady-like indeed. The rest of the guests excluding Joe and Sugar however were beyond clueless! Joe thought back to that crazy night when Jerry announced his engagement.

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><p>This was before Osgood knew the truth about Jerry and Jerry himself had little hope for the marriage; he only wanted the large divorce settlement. One encounter with the mob later and Joe as Josephine, Sugar, Daphne and Osgood were speeding away in a boat. As Joe professed his feelings for Sugar and revealed his true identity another confession was taking place in the front.<p>

Jerry was trying to explain to Osgood that he couldn't marry him; coming up with all kinds of (admittedly true) excuses whilst protecting his identity but the eccentric millionaire would not be dissuaded. Jerry admitted defeat and took of his wig:

"I'm a man!" he exclaimed desperately.

"Nobody's perfect," was Osgood's unfazed reply.

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><p>A whirlwind of a month full of caterers and wedding planners and in-laws later and now Jerry, in full drag was mobbed by attractive blondes. Joe chuckled as he imagined the old Jerry's response to a situation like this. But Daphne was a true lady; she hadn't allowed the eager Osgood more than a peck on the cheek and Joe had received many a slap for his bawdy comments and jokes.<p>

Jerry insisted that the only reason he was keeping up the whole Daphne charade was to please Osgood's mother and to be able to get married legally but judging from the concentration on his face when applying eye liner, or his glee at discovering that he'd dropped a dress size for the wedding, Joe knew that the Daphne persona would be around for a long while. As much as he hated to admit it, he kind of missed his own alter ego, the prude, matron-like Josephine. She had evidently left her mark on him though as he found himself joining in with the band members' gossip and helping them touch up their make up.

Suddenly he had an idea.

"I'll be back in a minute," he called to Daphne, not that she noticed; she was too busy fluffing up her hair and posing in the mirror.

He went out the back to where some of the girls were smoking or drinking, he sidled up to Sweet Sue, who was depressed with her single status and nursing a flask.

"Hey Sue, can I use your dressing room?" There were three dressing rooms; one for the girls, one for the men and one for Sweet Sue. No one argued.

She glared at him and miserably took another slug.

"Go ahead, it's not like anyone cares if I look nice!"

"Don't worry honey, the right guy's just around the corner," said Joe sympathetically. Beinstock chose this moment to poke his head around said corner.

"Anyone got a match?"

Joe slipped away from the unfolding scene and made his way to Sue's dressing room.

He opened the door and slid in, Josephine admired the floral wallpaper. Joe was slightly disturbed by the all the wig bearing mannequin heads. Most girls had a wig or two but Sweet Sue's collection rivalled that of a department store; she had a wig of every shade from jet black to platinum blonde, and all the shades in between. Not just that, she seemed to have three different lengths for each shade and drawers full of extensions and accessories. Joe shuddered at all the faceless heads that watched him as he searched for his hair colour.

"Don't tell Daphne, it's a surprise," he whispered jokingly to the now bald mannequin as he adjusted the wig on his head and began his transformation.

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><p><strong>AN: Something I started up a few months ago. I've just been adding to it every now and then, when the mood takes me, you can kind of notice the style changes throughout the chapter, I know this is pretty rubbish so far, but I promise that Chapter 2 will be a major improvement ;P**

**Today is the Royal Wedding of Will & Kate, so I guess this is a kind of coincidental nod to them :\ I'm sure that Daphne would be thrilled to know that she shares a wedding anniversery with Royalty ;D**

**I'm not expecting many reviews but a bit of encouragment/acknowledgment would be nice, even if you don't like it; say so! Help me improve it! **


	2. The Perfect Set Up

**Somebody's Perfect**

"Did you say something Joe?" Daphne put her pouting on hold and spun round to locate her absent friend.

She huffed, "Gee, thanks for saying goodbye," she tutted and returned to the mirror, making some adjustments to her veil.

"I sure hope this works," she muttered to herself nervously, thinking back…

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><p>"Hey, Jerry! Your boyfriend's here!" Joe cawed from his spot on the windowsill.<p>

"He is _not _my boyfriend!" Jerry snapped, buttoning up his blazer.

"Oh, I'm sorry, how mean of me. He's your fiancé, right?" Joe pretended not to hear Jerry's spluttering protests and instead focused on his own physical appearance – Sugar was coming over soon.

Jerry flustered and gasped – desperate to retort but unable to think of anything – pretended to opt for the high road and stormed out the room.

A moment later he poked his head back in, "Yeah? Well, you left the toilet seat up again! Would it kill you to get some manners?" he slammed it again on Joe's amused face.

"Boyfriend? Pah! The nerve of that guy!" Jerry muttered to himself as he trotted down the hallway towards the elevator, not wanting to keep Osgood waiting too long. _Now, that would just be plain rude_ Jerry chastised himself at the thought.

"Osgood!" he cried, spotting the eccentric old man lounging in the lounge, staring happily into space.

"Ah, Daph – I mean, Gerald," he blushed and grinned nervously at the now immensely uncomfortable Jerry, "How are you?"

Jerry shrugged and manufactured a strained smile, "Same old, same old… shall we?" he gestured to the door.

"We shall!" Osgood declared and linked arms with Jerry before he remembered and dropped the limb like a hot potato, "Sorry," he twinkled sheepishly and marched towards the door, followed by a flushed Jerry.

_I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a boy…_

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><p><strong>I know I promised it would be better but... well, I got lazy... this is just a get-the-ball-rolling chapter.<strong>

**Also, from now on the chapters will probably be super-short (muahahahaha) because I'm so evil (and lazy)**


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